This website shall be taking a completely new direction. Well not really, it’ll still involve various chemicals to make you do what you wouldn’t normally do. So in the case of the stupidly caffeinated drinks, they made you stay awake all night. What’s this new direction? Well I should explain my situation firstly:
I’m back in college again, and with this comes a lot of parties! With parties comes booze… So this blog shall be covering something new:
ALCOHOL! ^_^These new reviews will be structured much along the same lines as the previous ones but with a slight twist. So here they are:
1) Cost
Like previous occasions, I’ll be telling you of the cost of whatever product I’m consuming that particular night. This will include both the off-license price as well as the price at the bar.
Scores will be between 0 and 5. 0 being it’s so damned expensive that the only way you’re going to afford this is if you mortgage your house, car or yourself in order to get drunk on it. 5 means that it’s such good value that I’m amazed more people don’t drink it.
2) Taste
Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m not going to be acting like a connoiseur and talking about how the drink tastes of strawberry hews, hints of tar with a slight dash of a small man dancing on the side of the moon eating a ham sandwich. On the contrary, this will be covering the respective drinks ability to be consumed. If it tastes good it means that you’ll be able to drink more quickly, if it tastes bad, you’d more than likely not want to go near it. Either way, you’ll see how this goes in further posts.
Scores for this again go from 0 to 5. 0 means that the drink is so unbelievably disgusting that you really shouldn’t go near it unless you’ve got a steel-lined stomach. 5 means that (to quote Coors Light) it goes down easy.
Look
The big question with this is, how does it make you look. What people hardly ever consider is how what you drink often feeds in to how people form an opinion of you. This means that if you spend your time drinking a particular drink, some might see you as a raving douche etc. Anyway, this will be based on how people react to what I’m drinking.
If I give a product 0 for look, it means that you look like a complete twat drinking it. 5 means either one of two possibilities:
- It’s a drink that people admire you for drinking
- It’s something that no one notices
Effect
Do I really need to go over this? Basically, how well will it get you drunk? Will it take just one serving or 20 bazillion before you get the actual alcoholic effect of the beverage in question.
Much like Anti-somniac Review, 0 means that it does absolutely nothing and only those with an extremely (laughably) low tollerance will get drunk on this. 5 on the other hand means that you should only drink if you’ve got someone to carry you home nearby.
Side-effect
This will be going along the lines of “What kind of drunk will you be?”. This basically means that if I wind up slightly less sober than usual, I’ll be commenting on how the drink in question affected my mood and whether or not this is a good thing or a bad thing. It could also encompass any weird things like how it affects one’s appetite in comparison to when one is sober.
0 means that the effects were completely negative, that drinking this particular product will cause you to be violent in some way. 5 means that all of the side-effects are positive, meaning that you’ll be a very happy drunk indeed!
Hangover:
This is by far the most important one of all. If you over indulge on the product in question, how will it affect you the next day.
A score of 0 means that drinking this product will result in you suffering so much the next day that it’s not worth drinking unless you’ve got a strange head-ache fettish. 5 means that the next day, you feel grand.
____________________________
Now for the reference material:
- Age: 23
- Height: 5′ 10” (Yes I know I’m short)
- Weight: 11 stone (or 154lbs or 70kg)
For future reference, my opinion (and you can quote me) is that alcohol was invented with the sole purpose of getting you completely drunk. I am completely certain that when wine, beer, vodka etc. was invented, people drank it until they got extremely wobbly if not worse. So in my mind, I savour alcohol by enjoying its effects rather than sitting down commenting on how it was a good year for [crop used to make product] or that it tasted of something that the product itself shouldn’t taste of. If you don’t like it, go to another blog. This is a blog for people who believe alcohol is a chemical designed to get you drunk, not designed to make you a moany little pissant who sits there sipping their drink for 3 hours. Either get drunk or stay on the soft drinks!
Anyway,
These reviews will be based on a night of drinking one particular product for the entire evening and nothing but! The first series of reviews will cover beers. Here’s what’s on the way:
- Carlsberg
- Heineken
- Guinness
- Erdinger
- Bavaria
- Pratsky
- Dutch Gold (A particular favourite among the Irish)
- Tuborg
- Miller
- Coors Light
Hope you all enjoy these blogs. As always, feel free to comment on all of my blogs, make suggestions as to what direction you think I should go in. Oh and if you’re new here, please read the disclaimer, for no other reason than to know what I’m blogging here.
Anyway, enjoy!
Felix
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